\u201cA spiritual director is one who helps another to recognize and to follow the inspirations of grace in his life, in order to arrive at the end to which God is leading him.\u201d
\n\u2014<\/i>Thomas Merton \u00a0\u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n
It was almost twenty years ago now when, as a young leader, I crept into a spiritual director\u2019s office desperate for help.\u00a0 A grown up pastors\u2019 kid in my in my early thirties, on staff at a church I loved, busy with a growing family, and just beginning to embark on a public life of writing and speaking\u2026I was aware of things in my life that needed fixing and longings that were painfully unmet.\u00a0 There was a level of selfishness that was being exposed in the crucible of marriage and family life that I did not know how to shift or change.\u00a0 There were emotions from past pains and current disappointments that I did not know how to resolve.\u00a0 There was a performance-oriented driven-ness that I did not know how to quiet and a longing for more, but more of what?<\/p>\n
I had tried everything that had been offered in my own Protestant tradition\u2014more Bible study, praying harder, trying harder, better sermons, Christian self-help books\u2014to fix what was broken and to fill what was lacking, but to no avail. In the midst of the outward busyness of my \u201cprofessional\u201d life there was an inner chaos that was far more disconcerting than anything that was going on externally.\u00a0 But this was not <\/i>a good time to admit to any kind of spiritual emptiness or acknowledge any kind of serious questions about my faith.\u00a0 As an emerging leader, it was a time for being \u201cgood,\u201d for being available when people called, for maintaining outward evidences of spiritual maturity commensurate with the responsibilities I carried and the opportunities that were coming my way. It was a time to do what was needed in order to keep climbing the ladder to professional success and I knew it;\u00a0 yet my interior groanings were real and needed attention.
\n<\/b><\/p>\n
Help is on the Way
\n<\/b>For me, help came through a spiritual director, although I didn\u2019t even know what one was at the time.\u00a0 Our paths crossed because she was a psychologist.\u00a0 I sought her out for therapy because I assumed that my problems were psychological in nature and could be fixed at that level.\u00a0 Psychological insight and process were indeed valuable\u2014to a point.\u00a0 Eventually, however, she observed that what I needed was spiritual direction and suggested that we shift the focus of our times together to my relationship with God.\u00a0 She told me that the questions I was raising were actually an invitation to deeper intimacy with God and needed to be dealt with in the context of that relationship. It was a welcome invitation and so we made the shift.<\/p>\n
As I stayed faithful to my own spiritual journey under the tutelage of this wise guide, spiritual direction became one of the most disciplines in my life as a leader. Eventually responded to the calling to become a spiritual director, completed my training in spiritual direction at the Shalem Institute, and took a position in a large church as director of spiritual formation. Over time began writing and speaking as a spiritual director on themes related to spirituality, leadership, and the church and later on founded an organization focused on caring for the spiritual needs of pastors and Christian leaders. Our mission has been to provide a safe place for pastors and leaders to receive direction in attending to their own spiritual formation in the midst of the realities of life in leadership. In all of this, my commitment to having <\/i>a spiritual director myself has remained strong because I am convinced that spiritual direction is an essential practice for all those who are in positions of spiritual leadership.<\/p>\n
Welcoming Desperation
\n<\/b>I am not the only leader to have come to spiritual direction by way of desperation. Many pastors and leaders come for spiritual direction because they, too, are experiencing inner emptiness in the midst of outward busyness, feelings of being \u201cstuck\u201d in their spiritual life or a longing for more in the midst of seeming success.\u00a0 Their question is where does a leader go to articulate questions that seem so dangerous and doubts that seem so unsettling?\u00a0 Who pastors the pastor?\u00a0 Who provides spiritual leadership for the leader? Oftentimes it is a spiritual director.\u00a0 \u00a0The question for us is how can we increase our sensitivities and our capacities to be helpful to the particular needs of pastors and leaders?<\/p>\n
Although it may sound strange, a good place to begin is to welcome, or at least normalize the desperation or desire a leader brings. It can be very hard for a leader to seek out spiritual direction because it represents something of a role reversal.\u00a0 Leaders are accustomed to being, well, the leader and to submit to someone else\u2019s guidance or to admit the need for such guidance can be a humbling experience.\u00a0 Oftentimes, desire and desperation are the only dynamics powerful enough to cause them to seek guidance and in that sense, desperation is a good thing.\u00a0 Desperation opens us to possibilities that we might not otherwise be open to\u2014like spiritual direction!<\/p>\n
Oftentimes, a leader will come to the first direction session overwhelmed or embarrassed by the state they are in or the questions they are bringing. As they start to feel reassured that their need or desire or feeling of desperation is a wonderful starting place for new spiritual journeying, they visibly relax. \u00a0They breathe a deep sigh of relief as they realize that this is a safe place to ask questions and explore issues that are lurking under the surface of their leadership personae. \u00a0Leadership, by its very nature, places us in a position where our spirituality and ability to lead are constantly being scrutinized and evaluated.\u00a0 To have a safe place far outside one\u2019s leadership setting in which to attend to my own soul\u2019s need is a great gift.<\/p>\n
While the \u201cnormal\u201d person has many options for seeking spiritual guidance and sustenance (churches, synagogues, a relationship with a pastor, priest or rabbi, spirituality centers, para-church ministry organizations that cater to specific groups), spiritual leaders are often very isolated in their leadership roles.\u00a0 Since everyone is looking to them for spiritual leadership, they cannot share the depth of their own doubts, questions and growing edges without creating uncertainty among those they are leading.\u00a0 They labor under the burden of knowing that their job is, in very real ways dependant on their perceived spirituality and doctrinal clarity\u2014however that is evaluated in their particular circles. \u00a0They know that even if they have questions, they need to continue to teach and preach with confidence; they must be wise about what they reveal in the presence of those who have the power to hire, fire or significantly influence their career path.<\/p>\n
The conundrum, of course, is that without a safe place to attend to his\/her own journey, a leader\u2019s growth will be stunted and their spiritual life will atrophy.\u00a0 As one directee (a parish priest) shared recently, \u201cMy job is to help people attend to their own inner world and to cultivate hope and expectation that God is actively present in their lives but I have lost that hope and expectation in my own life. I need someone to help me do what I am trying to help others do.\u201d<\/p>\n
Create Sacred Space
\n<\/b>The word sacred<\/i> simply means set apart<\/i> or, set apart for a special purpose.<\/i> Leaders are deeply in need of finding a place that is set apart for the care of their own souls, a place of privacy that removes them from the public scrutiny of their work environment and the leadership persona that they must maintain.<\/p>\n
Privacy is an ethical commitment that spiritual directors make to all their directees but privacy is of particular concern to those who are in public positions of leadership and they may need more reassurance and concrete evidence that their privacy will be protected than most.\u00a0\u00a0 When I first began spiritual direction, the questions and issues I brought felt so personal and had such potential to effect how others in my religiously conservative circles might view me that I was extremely skittish at first; however, I was also acutely aware of my need for a place where I could<\/i> be completely open. I needed my spiritual director to assure me in the strongest terms that there was no possibility that she would ever betray my confidence.<\/i>\u00a0 The fact that she was far outside my leadership settings and my social circles was very important.<\/p>\n
Where we met was also important. \u00a0When we began, we met in her office where she was a part of a busy practice of psychologists. The possibility of seeing people I knew in the waiting room in the midst of something that felt so personal was very unnerving to me.\u00a0 If I did see someone I knew, I felt like I had to explain something I didn\u2019t want to explain and would have preferred to keep private. When she dropped out of the practice and we were able to meet in her home office, there was more privacy and that was helpful.<\/p>\n
I am convinced that some of us need to function as spiritual directors outside of existing church systems and corporate structures so that there is a safe place for leaders to go. I have offered spiritual direction in my home and more recently, in my office at a nearby retreat center. In both settings I have taken great care to cultivate the physical environment in such a way that the space itself ushers leaders into a sense of being \u201capart\u201d from the distractions, the responsibilities and the frenetic activity that has become the norm for so many leaders.\u00a0 Without fail, leaders express deep gratitude for the quiet, the privacy, and the sacred quality of the space.\u00a0 Sometimes, when they first enter into the space and we share initial moments of quiet, they are moved to tears that they hardly know how to explain. To have a sacred space that is set aside for them and for the care of their souls <\/i>rather than being in a religious environment that is associated with ministry or a coaching environment associated with getting more work out of them is a tremendous blessing.<\/p>\n
The tears seem to be associated with the disillusionment and grief that many leaders experience as they realize that they have lost a sense of God\u2019s presence for themselves personally in the context of their leadership.\u00a0 That grief is somehow comforted by finding a sacred space (not necessarily religious) that is carved out for them and for the care of their own souls.\u00a0 Even their ability to feel something <\/i>in response to the space assures them that they are still alive in places where they thought they had become numb or had even died.<\/p>\n
The Unique Burdens of Leadership
\n<\/b>Those who have been in leadership for any length of time at all have experienced much scrutiny and evaluation of their spiritual life and their leadership.\u00a0 Many have experienced the heartache of being severely misunderstood, judged and even betrayed to the point that they have given up on ever being safe. The loneliness that comes from being \u201cthe buck stops here\u201d person and the natural process of projection that takes place between leaders and followers is par for the leadership course and yet it takes its toll.<\/p>\n
By the time a leader comes to a spiritual director, they may have lost any sense of being loved beyond what they can produce; they might harbor deep feelings of disillusionment about themselves, the human condition, and institutions they serve– including (and perhaps most especially) the church. Their experiences might have left them questioning their effectiveness as a leader, whatever vision they had and sometimes even their worth as a person.<\/p>\n
Many leaders have repressed their grief and anger and soldiered on, leaving much that is unresolved beneath their professional exterior.\u00a0 Almost all leaders have something in their lives\u2014some pain, some character issue, some spiritual question, some failure\u2014that they have never talked to anyone about and they desperately need a safe place to do so. They often walk into our presence carrying heavy burdens of unresolved pain; spiritual direction promises to be a place where they might be able to lay it down\u2014at least for awhile.<\/p>\n
When I first entered into spiritual direction, I was so beaten down by some of what I had experienced in pastoral ministry that I couldn\u2019t believe that anyone could look into my soul and see something good.\u00a0 Particularly as a woman leading in church I had experienced roadblocks that were deeply disillusioning to the extent that they had caused me to question my faith. When my spiritual director affirmed the brightness of my spirit or the goodness she saw in my heart I was surprised to find that I had a hard time taking it in. I didn\u2019t realize how far I had gotten from any kind of realistic sense of myself. Even though it took time for me to get used to it and believe it, I needed the healing of her unconditional \u201cseeing\u201d so desperately.\u00a0 Her consistent affirmation of my journey as a person with the call of God on my life and leadership was a significant element of what brought me back to a place of health and strength in my spiritual life. As the poet Hafiz writes: How did the rose ever open its heart and give to the world all its Beauty?\u00a0 It felt the encouragement of light against its being.\u00a0 Otherwise we all remain too frightened.[i]<\/a> <\/i><\/p>\n The Power of Confession Confession is good for the soul\u2014especially confession in the presence of someone who knows how to mediate God\u2019s grace in the moment. Because of the safety, the privacy and the longevity of the relationship with a spiritual director, this may be the only place a leader has to engage this powerful discipline.\u00a0 If the Spirit is moving them make a confession, we need to be ready to receive it. There are many ways to receive someone\u2019s confession; the important thing is to be available to the Spirit for what the moment requires.<\/p>\n The first time I made a confession to my spiritual director I had not planned to do it.\u00a0 Confession to any kind of confessor was not a part of my tradition but it had been on my mind as something that could be beneficial to my spiritual journey and on this particular day, it just kind of came out.\u00a0 Confession was so difficult for me, that I slid out of my chair and onto the floor in a wave of tears that took me by surprise.\u00a0 My director just quietly got down on the floor with me and put her arms around me in a gesture of love, comfort, and unconditional presence that was tremendously healing in its impact. There was no need for words.<\/p>\n The first time I received someone\u2019s confession, the person let me know ahead of time that this was something they wanted to do.\u00a0 Because the person was from a liturgical background, I brought my Book of Common Prayer<\/i> so that I could read the prayer of absolution.\u00a0 She made her confession. The tears flowed. I put my arms around her and read the prayer of absolution along with a verse from Scripture that assured her of God\u2019s forgiveness.<\/p>\n Each of us will have to discover the ways of being with our directees in such moments that are true to who we are and responsive to what the directee most needs.\u00a0 The point is that receiving someone\u2019s confession is a sacred trust and it is good for us to have given some thought to how we might respond.\u00a0 If we are in spiritual direction with leaders, there is a good possibility that we are the only place where they can make confession and they will, at some point, be moved to do so. We need to accept this as a part of the gift that we bring and be prepared to respond in ways that fit the situation.\u00a0 It is one of the ways we can serve them.<\/p>\n Fresh Disciplines for Worn Out Leaders<\/b> Eventually my director helped me to understand that I was in a transitional place in the life of prayer and began to guide me into fresh disciplines that corresponded to my need and fostered fresh experiences with God that I was so thirsty for. Her concrete guidance along with the confidence she conveyed, marked out a new path for me.<\/p>\n One of the natural pitfalls of pastoral leadership in particular is that the boundary between one\u2019s personal spiritual life and the demands of one\u2019s profession can become very blurry. Pastoral leaders may come with a great sense of guilt that \u201cI just don\u2019t feel like praying\u201d or \u201cI study Scripture so much for my sermons, that I am no longer able to engage Scripture without thinking about my next sermon!\u201d Corporate leader might have created a false dichotomy between their spiritual life and their leadership, having no idea how to engage spiritual disciplines that will help them forge of connection between their soul and their leadership.<\/p>\n One of the most significant contributions a spiritual director can make in the life of a leader is to create space for reflecting on their spiritual practices.\u00a0 In this space, we help them quiet feelings of \u201cought\u201d and \u201cshould\u201d so that they can pay attention to those practices that are no longer fruitful for them or may have become layered with all sorts of professional expectations.\u00a0 This can open the way for a letting go of what isn\u2019t working and claiming fresh disciplines for themselves.\u00a0 Our role as directors is to provide guidance for entering into spiritual disciplines that will forge a stronger connection between their soul and their leadership. The practice of mindfulness, paying attention to one\u2019s breathing, building time into each work day for silence and prayer, staying attuned to inner dynamics of consolation and desolation and allowing such awareness to shape decision-making are all practices that strengthen the soul of one\u2019s leadership.[ii]<\/a><\/p>\n It takes humility and courage for a spiritual leader to admit that they are guiding others in spiritual matters, they are coming up empty themselves. But as Thomas Merton so insightfully states, \u201cThe whole purpose of spiritual direction is to penetrate beneath the surface of a [person\u2019s] life, to get behind the fa\u00e7ade of conventional gestures and attitudes which he presents to the world, and to bring out his inner spiritual freedom, his inmost truth, which is what we call the likeness of Christ in his soul.\u201d[iii]<\/a><\/i><\/p>\n The more experience and practice we as spiritual directors have with a wide variety of spiritual disciplines the more we are able to open up a treasure trove of spiritual possibilities for leaders who have done all they know to do and are desperate for fresh ways of connecting with God. This offers a world of hope to leaders who have lost hope in their ability to connect with God in the context of their leadership.<\/p>\n Reclaiming Identity and Calling I know one spiritual director who is always asking his directees if they are staying true to their calling and it is a question that immediately brings clarity or if not clarity, the need to find clarity.<\/p>\n
\n<\/b>The safety of the spiritual direction relationship makes it the ideal place (and for some, the only place) where a leader can experience deeper levels of self-awareness, examine the hidden dynamics and relational patterns that are hindering them, and at times make confession. The idea of receiving someone\u2019s confession may be uncomfortable for some directors because we do not think of ourselves as priests and we feel quite unprepared for such a thing.\u00a0 In some traditions the spiritual director and the confessor are seen as two distinct roles and two distinct people.\u00a0 However, most pastors and spiritual leaders (at least in the Protestant tradition) do not have anywhere else to make their confessions and there are times when this is what the soul needs most.<\/p>\n
\nWhen I entered into spiritual direction I had been working very hard at practicing the spiritual disciplines that I had been taught in my Protestant upbringing.\u00a0 I was sure I could make it all work if I just tried harder. But part of my desperation was the fact that the practices and habits that people had told me were supposed to work in bringing about my transformation were not longer working, no matter how faithful I was to the program.\u00a0 I was embarrassed and felt very defeated. Surprisingly, my spiritual director encouraged me to stop doing what wasn\u2019t working (!) and to pay attention to what I was longing for.\u00a0 It was the strangest and most wonderful feeling to be freed from the Bible study and prayer methods that I had practiced for so long in the hopes that there might be something new for me! While I continued to lead in the arenas where I had responsibility, I had a private place for letting go of what wasn\u2019t working and trying some new things. This was all very hopeful.<\/p>\n
\n<\/b>A leader\u2019s calling is rooted in their identity. Whenever a leader is out of touch with his\/her identity or our calling, they are vulnerable to a life lived at the mercy of other people\u2019s expectations and their own inner compulsions. When a leader has lived this way for too long, it is hard to even tell the difference between being called and being driven.\u00a0 A key role of the spiritual director is to help leaders stay in touch with their identity as given to them<\/i> by God<\/i> and their calling as spoken to them by God.<\/i>\u00a0 The experience of calling is a place of great intimacy with God if we know how to cultivate it; it can also be a place where a leader experiences a heartbreaking sense of being cut off from God and from their true self if they have let the demands of leadership consume them for too long.<\/p>\n